You Brew You

What’s funny about these is that the brand name is Quirky, yet these coffee machines are some of the more straightforward products we offer. Is that the point? That in 2026, it’s actually wackier to provide something functional that doesn’t require connecting to your wifi and sending updates to your phone?

Maybe. Maybe not.

Still, the point stands: these are just some coffee machines. The most advanced thing about them is that you can program them to start brewing at a certain time, allowing you to wake up to freshly brewed coffee in the morning. But that’s particularly groundbreaking. I had one that could do that in my college dorm room in 2007.

Really, the most important thing is figuring out first what size you want, and then what to put in it. And sure, the answer to this second question does seem simple. What you put in it is coffee, right?

But there’s so much coffee out there. So what kind should you get?

This is usually where I make some stupid puns or invent a few ridiculous products that don’t exist. But not today. Why? Because I just earnestly love coffee. Which is why I say the best coffee to get is whatever your local coffee roaster is making. And don’t be intimidated, by the way. In my experience, snooty attitudes about coffee come more from its consumers than its makers. Where I live, the two best roasters are Horizon Line and Lightbrite, and every stupid question I’ve ever asked has been met with a kind, thoughtful response.

On the other hand, if you want to go with your basic available-anywhere brand, I recommend checking out this video from Epicurious:

Yes, that’s not a glitch at the bottom of the screen. It is, in fact, 32 minutes long. A comprehensive coffee test takes time, people! But I watched it all the way through and learned a lot of interesting things, like the difference between robusta and arabica, and why grinding your own whole-bean coffee tastes better than pre-ground varieties.

But mostly, I learned I’m right. Because I’ve always been a ‘Dunkin is better than Starbucks’ truther. Which, spoiler alert, the video confirmed.

Anyway, here are some coffee machines if you need them. Otherwise, please shout out your favorite local or not-so-local coffee in the comments.